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A century's worth of laughs from the pages of Reader's Digest.
Where there’s smoke
“Once, my father came home and found me in front of a roaring fire. That made my father very mad, as we didn’t have a fireplace.” —Victor Borge
Identity crisis
“Your mother has been with us for 20 years,” said John. “Isn’t it time she got a place of her own?”
“My mother?” replied Helen. “I thought she was your mother.”
—Joseph Lozanoff
RD Issue: December 1987
Aarrrrgh!
Why don’t pirates take a shower before they walk the plank?
They just wash up on shore.
RD Issue: September 2019
With a vengeance
In Denver, the members of a Sunday-school class were asked to set down their favorite biblical truths. One youngster laboriously printed: “Do one to others as others do one to you.” —Lee Olson, The Denver Post
RD Issue: April 1957
A taxing situation
According to unofficial sources, a new simplified income-tax form contains only four lines:
1. What was your income for the year?
2. What were your expenses?
3. How much have you left?
4. Send it in.
—The Link
RD Issue: March 1945
Taking stock
One of the oddities of Wall Street is that it is the dealer and not the customer who is called the broker. —Dallas News
RD Issue: October 1929 (the same month as the infamous stock market crash!)
Shrink rap
Two Hollywood stars ran into each other at the door of their psychiatrist’s office.
“Hello, there,” said one. “Are you coming or going?”
“If I knew that,” said the other, “I wouldn’t be here.”
—The American Weekly
RD Issue: November 1958
Just desserts
At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?”
“Why should it?” answered her spouse. “I keep telling them it’s for you.”
—Selma Glasser, Good Housekeeping
RD Issue: March 1981
Cheers!
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says, “Hey, they named a drink after you!”
“Really?” replies the grasshopper. “There’s a drink named Stan?”
RD Issue: March 1994
RELATED: Bar Jokes
Listen up!
You can’t believe everything you hear—but you can repeat it.
RD Issue: August 1931
RELATED: 100 Funniest Quotes from the Past 100 Years
This one’s a gem
A Hollywood hostess, giving instructions to a new maid just before a party, cautioned: “Now remember, Marie, when you serve my guests, don’t wear any jewelry.”
“I haven’t anything valuable, madam,” answered the maid. “But thanks for the warning just the same.”
—Peggy McEvoy
RD Issue: April 1941
Boyfriend trouble
A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, and his piercings.
Later, the girl’s mom says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”
“Oh, please, Mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”
—Maria Salmon
RD Issue: October 2008
The end is near
Every time a little boy went to a playmate’s house, he found the friend’s grandmother deeply engrossed in her Bible. Finally, his curiosity got the better of him.
“Why do you suppose your grandmother reads the Bible so much?” he asked.
“I’m not sure,” said his friend, “but I think she’s cramming for her finals.”
—Carl T. Schuneman
RD Issue: January 1958
Man overboard
A gawky lad from New England came to New York with his girl and took her to nearby Playland Amusement Park. They had heard a lot about the Tunnel of Love and were especially anxious to try it out. But when they got home, the kids expressed disappointment.
“Shucks,” the boy said, “it was dark and damp and uncomfortable. Besides, we got soaking wet.”
“How come?” asked a friend. “Did the boat leak?”
The kid looked amazed. “There’s a boat?”
—J.D. Theus
RD Issue: February 1960
Kidding around
On a Miami to Chicago flight was a lively youngster who nearly drove everyone crazy. He was running up and down the aisle when the flight attendant started serving coffee. He ran smack into her, knocking a cup of coffee out of her hand and onto the floor.
As he stood by watching her clean up the mess, she glanced up at the boy and said, ‘” Look, why don’t you go and play outside?”
—Eugene Carroll
RD Issue: September 1955
Now Boarding
Rushing up to a large airline’s ticket counter, a man gasped, “Miss, please help me. I have to get to Chicago in the worst way!”
The clerk calmly pointed to her left and said, “Sir, that would be the airline next to us.”
—Ramona Frankum
RD Issue: February 1960
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